Edmund: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by opera13
Summary: In the tradition of Theresa Green's famous Owner's manuals, now you can learn to own and operate an EDMUND unit of your very own!


CONGRATULATIONS!

You are now the proud owner of an EDMUND! In order to obtain top performance from your Son of Adam, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual to use yourFuture Kingto his full potential.

Your EDMUND should arrive fully assembled. Please check that you have all his accessories (see specially chosen list below) and that you have been issued with the edition of EDMUND that you ordered, as there are four:

(a) Edition I EDMUND (copyright Lewis, 1951)

(b) Edition II EDMUND (copyright Hallmark Hall of Fame, 1977)

(c) Edition III EDMUND (copyright BBC, 1987)

(d) Edition IV EDMUND (copyright Walden Media/Disney/Keynes, 2005)

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Name: EDMUND (AKA King Edmund the Just, Duke of Lantern Waste, Poisonous Little Beast)

Type: Son of Adam

Manufacturers: Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve, Inc.

Date of Manufacture: 1929

Description:

Edition I EDMUND – No description, but guaranteed to be a male of about nine years.

Edition II EDMUND – Bushy mouse-brown hair and bell-bottoms.

Edition III EDMUND – Straight blond hair and slightly round face.

Edition III EDMUND – Black hair and dark, soulful eyes.

ACCESSORIES

Your EDMUND unit, regardless of the edition, will be shipped to you in a protective crate. He will be wearing a plain 1940's boy's shirt and knee trousers. He will also be shipped with a large silver box full of enchanted Turkish Delight. NOTE: It is strongly recommended that you remove the Turkish Delight from the package prior to activating your EDMUND unit, as failing to do so may have disastrous results. We also recommend that you try none of it yourself (Hello, it's _enchanted_).

OPERATING PROCEDURE

Your EDMUND has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. His controls are voice-activated. Please state your instructions clearly in English.

USES

Your EDMUND is a human of many talents and can be utilized in several capacities about the house:

Bodyguard:

EDMUND is a skilled warrior and will protect you to the death. He's also very good at proving to stiff-necked dwarfs that you are a person worth listening to. Just advise the pair to have a spar and see what emerges.

Peacemaker:

Your EDMUND unit is very good at solving problems, and should be able to effectively end most arguments between siblings with a small piece of insight or wit. He also knows when disciplinary action is needed. After all, he's not King Edmund the Just for nothing.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS

You will find that your EDMUND's compatability with other models fluctuates depending on which mode you have him set to. While switched to SELFISH TRAITOR MODE, you will find him quite compatible with the JADIS, MAUGRIM, and GNIRRABRIK models, but few others. Once set to REPENTANT or JUST RULER mode, you will no doubt find him more compatible with other models at large, particularly the LUCY, SUSAN, PETER, and ASLAN models.

PRECAUTIONS

Do not expose your EDMUND to strong magnetic fields, electricity, excessive humidity, Turkish Delight, or jelly candy of any kind.

Do not under any circumstances expose your EDMUND to locomotives. The management is not responsible for damage inflicted on EDMUND unit while riding in a train, not damage inflicted on any owner's traveling with them. Should you choose to ignore this warning and take EDMUND on a railway excursion, please be aware that the management can also not be held responsible for the state of the owner's eternal soul.

CLEANING

EDMUND may at times appear to have a white, powdery substance around his mouth. We recommend immediately wiping his mouth clean and calling your certified EDMUND technician, as Turkish Delight exposure seems likely.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: In wintertime, Edmund frequently asks me to drive him to a neighboring valley, to go skiing, he says. I've tried explaining to him that it's private property, but he won't listen. Why?

A: Your EDMUND is likely still set on SELFISH TRAITOR mode and is trying to lure you to the home of his beautiful but ruthless benefactress. We recommend switching him to REPENTANT mode and duct-taping the SELFISH TRAITOR switch into the OFF position.

Q: My EDMUND unit keeps muttering something about "decent roads." There's aren't that many potholes in our town. What's his problem?

A: EDMUND has long been a problem-solver, and substandard pavement is a personal pet peeve. By all means, give him permission to join a team of roadside workers (no, not the ones in the orange suits). It'll bring in extra money and satisfy that particular longing.

Q: Ever since I took away his Turkish Delight, my EDMUND unit seems to inhale an abnormal

Amount of saffron bread. Why?

A: It was once established on a prominent RPG that EDMUND is inordinately fond of saffron bread. Try to keep it in the pantry and he'll be happy as a pig in mud.

Q: I keep catching EDMUND coming out of the upstairs wardrobe with his shoes soaking wet and his mouth covered in white powder.

A: Burn your wardrobe immediately. If you don't know why, you should not own an EDMUND.

Q: My EDMUND unit keeps asking me to let him go on a hunting expedition. Will he be safe on his own?

A: Under no circumstances should you allow your EDMUND to go hunting, as he will likely come upon some type of albino animal, probably a Stag, follow it into the forest, and be lost to you forever.

Amusing Situations:

(1) If you buy the PEVENSIE BOXED SET, you can watch the interaction of EDMUND with his siblings. While SELFISH TRAITOR MODE is activated, you can watch PETER mistreat EDMUND until you want to give them both a black eye (Edition IV EDMUND only.).

(2) If you buy a EDMUND, JADIS, and GNIRRABRIK units, you can watch the three of them reenact EDMUND's first visit to Narnia as many times as you like.

(3) If you buy the PEVENSIE BOXED SET with the TRUMPKIN model, you can watch the four children call TRUMPKIN "Dear Little Friend" until he becomes red in the face.

(4) If you buy an EDMUND, CASPIAN, and GUMPAS unit, EDMUND and CASPIAN will team up against GUMPAS. Watch GUMPAS run!

Note: If any consumers come up with more Amusing Situations, please call 1-800-THEJUST. Our EDMUND secretary will be most interested to hear of any new scenarios.

FINAL NOTE

Due to the mortal nature of EDMUND, you will find that you have not been issued with a guarantee. However, if he is taken very well care of, and has had no contact with Turkish Delight, White Stags, or British Railway Trains, EDMUND should live for some twenty plus years. Those owners who are already used to the 6,342,000 month extended warranties issued with LotR Elven units may find this rather disappointing; console yourself with the knowledge that EDMUND units are much less expensive to maintain as they do not require personal stylists and top-of-the-line hygiene products, or really any care at all.


End file.
